A friend and orgmate of mine once told that it’s sick to quote yourself. I believe her. In fact this is going to be the first time that I shall be quoting myself because of the equally sick reason that I find no better way to begin my first post (after months) in Tumblr. And nobody stops me.

Maraming nasisirang tao dahil sa internet. Isa na ako dun.

I write the most whenever I feel extreme emotions: I rant about how I hate things and people, I write about how happy I am even with the simplest things, I share what I’m most afraid of, and things like that. Seldom do I curse people, but because it’s wrong, it’s one that gets the most attention. I wasn’t sensitive of my audience. I wasn’t aware that, most and not all of the time, things get more horrible when I put my bad words online. I was releasing my bad emotions, but was just relaying them to other people.

I’m sorry I was like that. I’m sorry I always disappoint you.

Yesterday, my family and I went to a beach so secluded I thought we were at least 8 hours away from home. We traveled for 3 hours. There weren’t so many people when we got there and the place was so quiet, so I thought I could do some self-assessment. Funny thing is I was so paranoid with tsunamis (because yesterday was supposed to be the nth-time-end-of-the-world day and because it was dark already and even just beside the sea, I still couldn’t see it directly from where I was lying) I just had minutes for my attempt to analyze what I was doing with my life.

So what have I thought about during that short time? I’ve learned how afraid I am. I’m afraid of being left alone when all people go on with their lives with a happy heart, and I just don’t and can’t do what I like. I’m afraid of facing the sad reality that I am just an ordinary person, with no exceptional capabilities. I’m afraid of not being loved. I’m afraid of accepting that I’ll never be somebody else, whom I envy the most. I’m afraid that my words are the only way I can be heard. I’m afraid with a lot of freaking things that I am unable to be myself anymore.

I’m sorry I’m always afraid. I’m sorry if I was so dependent that I was lost when it was all gone.

What’s my point? Even I don’t get it. I just wanted to write about how I feel, and what I think about. No barriers, nobody to stop me. No. Not anything. (Aw, I still suck at conclusions)

You know how OA I get when these things happen. You know I can’t reply. You know how cowardly I am. I’m sorry.

But I’ll remember everything you said.

And I’m giving up Tumblr and Facebook and everything else for 40 days (or more). Just so everybody knows.

thecyberniche:

until I entered UP almost four years ago. It made me realize three things:

1. Even if I have exerted my greatest effort in my academics, it won’t still yield to the best result. It’s just almost all professors here have high expectations OR I’m just too dumb and-that-made-me-wonder-why-I-passed-UPCAT-at-all.
2. Almost all of my classmates are awesome. They’re so awesome that they still get high remarks despite studying HOURS before the exam. In my case, three days of burning my eyebrows wouldn’t yield the same thing. Mediocrity.
3. Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the out-of-this world results seemed right.